If the movie "Gravity" were to be made by Kollywood directors

How would the movie be if it were to be directed by Kollywood’s leading directors?

Mani Ratnam
The movie would be titled “VinveLi”, starring Arvind Swamy, Manisha Koirala & Madhavan as the 3 astronauts sent up in Spaceship Explorer. The movie’s story would be closely guarded until release, with no Indian being permitted to take any space expedition while the movie is being shot in space.  Satellites too, would be banned from orbiting towards the shooting spot. The movie would be 150 minutes long instead of 90, mainly due to the long pauses between every sentence spoken by the lead pair. There will be no panic or screams even when the debris flies. Just monosyllables from the heroine, like “parandhukitturku………..mela patta…………setthuduvom,” with the hero holding her headcase, saying “Saagalaam……sniff…….onna saagalaam” with tears flowing down both their cheeks, accompanied by a phenomenal background music by AR Rahman, high on strings, followed by a humming in his own, divine voice.

Shankar
The movie will be titled “VinveLiyan – the astronaut”, aptly ending with an “an” like all Shankar movies. It will star Superstar Rajnikanth, Aishwarya Rai & Sathyaraj. The movie will be based on a budget of 1500 Crore and will be one of the most expensive films in the world. One song will create a Guinness record for being the first song in the world to be shot on all planets in the solar system. There’ll be another song shot on the moon, with an entourage of a thousand dancers, dressed as aliens. Madhan Karky’s lyrics will have catchy phrases like “Asteroidile Astronautgalin Kadhal” and some new Tamil words relating to astronomy. The intro song, “VinveLiyin Veeran, Engal Tamizhkaaran” will be another class song by Vairamuthu, extolling the superstar to stellar heights, aptly rendered by SP Balasubramaniam to the mighty tune of AR Rahman. The movie will have Sathyaraj as the rival, villain astronaut, who will damage the spaceship and bribe the astronauts at other space stations to bomb all the asteroids the duo goes to, but an accident leads to debris heading towards the earth, which could destroy the planet. Superstar Rajinikanth saves the planet and the movie will end with a social message on why corruption and human greed are detrimental to life.

T Rajendar
The movie, “VinveLisaamy” will open with aliens hijacking the spaceship, and harassing Astronaut Mumtaj, when suddenly TR comes flying in, knocking the shit out of the aliens and then saying,
“Yey yey yey, indha edathula illa gravity,
irundhaalum en adi naala un pallula theriyudhu cavity!
Dandanakka Danakkunakka!”

The astronauts would have come to space, mainly because TR’s thangachee would’ve wanted to float in space. TR would simply not refuse anything his Thangachee desired. TR didn’t want Mumtaj to come along, but once Thangachee insisted, she was also on board. Mumtaj will have dream sequences with TR and her walking on the moon, with TR telling kadhal kavidhais like

“Idho paaru nilai,
nilayil vazhigiradhu kadhalin alai
Indha kadhal enbathu oru kalai”

Songs tuned, written and sung by TR himself will come in at various situations.
The movie will have Thangachee firing at an asteroid carelessly, thus causing debris to come towards the spaceship. One thing leads to another, which causes a situation where only 2 astronauts can survive. TR gives up his life so that Thangachee can live, and in a mighty expression of true love, Mumtaj also jumps after him. Thangachee goes back to earth alone.

The movie will have promotional videos of TR making the sounds of a rocket, and the sound of footsteps taken with low gravity, all with his mouth.

KS Ravikumar
The movie will be a comedy adventure starring Kamal Hassan and Asin on board spaceship Explorer. The dialogues will be written by Crazy Mohan. For example, when Explorer is destroyed, Asin points to it, cries and tells Kamal, “Adho paarungo, Explorer!”. Kamal, without looking, replies “Un ex poraar naa naan enna ma pannanum?” etc. Kamal Hassan will speak to Houston officials in an accent more American than that of NASA officials. KS Ravikumar will make a special appearance with a dance in one of the songs. The movie will end with Asin saying, “Kadavul naala thaan namba pozhachom!” and Kamal retorting “Kadavul irundhurndhar naa namba yen ippdi maatikitturndhurpom?” and the ensuing of an argument.

Rajesh
The movie will star Jeeva as the sidekick, Santhanam as the hero and Hansika as the sidekick’s pair. There will be lot of “Macha..indha ponnunga astronaunts eh ippdi thaan da” dialogues. There will be a scene in which over “quarters,” Jeeva and Santhanam talk.

Santhanam:
Macha, adhu Suriyan…adhavdhu naan, idhu Nila..adhavadhu Meera (Hansika). Adho namma bhoomi vandhu nee. Macha, un vaazhkey ovvoru varshamum enna suttthiye nadakkudhu. Aanaa, indha kadhal vandhudhu nu vechukkayen, adhu oru Suriya grahanam maadiri.

Macha, Ippo oru grahanam nadakkudhu naa, enna aagum?

Jeeva:
Bhoomikkum suriyanukkum naduvula Nila varum, Nila Suriyana maraikkum.

Santhanam:
That is the lyffffff!

The movie will reach its end with the story completely vanishing and with Arya making a guest appearance in the end, standing next to Santhanam and saying “Nanben da!”

Vikraman
The story will star Vijayakanth in a double role as father and son, with Meena playing the son’s love interest and Manorama playing his mother. The spaceship will have the colours of the DMDK, as will Vijayakanth’s astronaut suit. 70% of the movie will be in English, with Vijayakanth mouthing dialogues like, “Houzdon, I yaav bad beeling about this missun,” “Ippo, naanga pogavendiya edam Indernasonal bace stason,” “Houzdon, yeverthing in awar condrol. Yeny other inpermason we will pass to you!”

When Meena drifts away from range, Captain will say, “I don’t know where are you. I don’t know how are you. But I will pind you!”. In the scene where he is able to catch the frequency of a Chinese radio with dogs barking, he will respond equally with “AUNGHHHH!”

Meanwhile, it is revealed that the accident on the spaceship was caused deliberately by the villain Anandraj who had secretly sneaked in and whose men on earth are now in possession of Vijayakanth’s parents. He would’ve done this to take revenge on Vijayakanth’s father, who had humiliated his family in some village dispute. A tearful father Vijayakanth tells the son to fight and save the world. Anandraj has both of them killed, while he has Vijayakanth and Meena tied up. A sad song, tuned by SA Rajkumar plays, with Captain and Meena bursting into tears. An accidental fire in the ISS burns Vijayakanth’s ropes. He now goes after Anandraj, who runs away. Anandraj blows up other stations, thus causing debris to fly towards Vijayakanth. But Vijayakanth fights the debris and pushes them away with his bare hands. In the climax, Vijayakanth gets out of his suit, holds his breath for 5 minutes and fights Anandraj, saying, “Aye! Naan padavikko perukko inga varala da. Tamizh naatu eleigala vinveLikku kootikittu vara vazhi aa kandupidikka vandhen da!” before unleashing his wrath on him. The movie will also have punch-dialogues like “Aye! gravity enna gudhikkavekkaadhu da! Naan gravity aa gudhikkaveppen da“, wherein Captain will exert himself on the planet he is in and the planet will deflect a few inches due to Captain’s gravity. After killing Anandraj in outer space, Captain will light a match-stick and set Anandraj on fire (Yes, even in outer space.) He will then get back into his suit and release his breath and return to Tamil Nadu.

Goutham Menon The movie will star Surya and Jyothika as astronauts, accompanied by Daniel Balaji who plays the alien villain. The movie will have a strong Tamil title, “VinveLiyil Tamizhargal” but 95% of the movie will be in English. After a lot of English conversation about space, heavenly bodies and life in general, Surya and Jo will return to the Explorer, when Surya will say, “I wanna make love to you.” Just then the debris smashes the Explorer and Jo drifts away and is captured by alien Daniel Balaji. Surya spends the whole 2nd half trying to fight Daniel and succeeds, only to discover that Jo has been killed.

Jayam Raja
The movie would be a remake of some other Hollywood space-based movie and will star Jayam Ravi.

Vishnuvardhan The movie will star Ajith in his salt and pepper look, Arya and Nayanthara, but unlike the actual Gravity movie, Ajith won’t die. Arya unfortunately will, though. Most of the movie will just be about Ajith walking stylishly in space and on the moon, with Yuvan’s theme music playing in the background. Then, after a few fight scenes and some daredevil stunts, which would have been done by Ajith himself, taking all the risk and even injuring himself in the process, the climax will have Ajith steering himself & Nayan in the Chinese escape pod in top speed back home and then walking stylishly on earth, with Yuvan’s theme music playing again.

Of course, the movie won’t have a name for a long, long time and as the shooting progresses, there will be loads of reports on how Ajith cooked Biryani for everyone on the spaceship and how he mingled easily with every one, right from the director to the spaceship’s pilot and staff.

Mysskin Mysskin will say that the movie was in the cans for a long time, as no hero agreed to star in it and then finally star in it himself, along with Narain. The movie will open with a gaana song sung by Gaana Ulaganathan and Velmurugan in the spaceship with everybody adichifying quarter. But the rest of the movie will be a serious, dark, fast-paced, edge-of-the-seat thriller, with a chilling background score by Isaignani Illayaraja, before it is finally revealed that Narain is an alien in disguise, who is trying to kill Mysskin.

Selvaraghavan
The movie will star Dhanush. A teaser of the film will be released, with Atari-video-game-like visuals of a spaceship crashing. But then there’ll be a delay, as the music director will be replaced. Eventually, one music director would’ve have composed the songs, someone else would’ve scored the background music and a third music director would’ve taken care of the re-recording. The story will have Dhanush and the heroine in space, with Dhanush smoking, drinking, yelling at his girl etc and then towards the second half, turning all psycho. Dhanush will write and sing a soup song, with lyrics like “Even innu space-u, I see yuvar face-u, Unnala naan gone case-u.”

Whether the movie will release or not is totally uncertain, but what is certain is the release of a few videos of Selvaraghavan talking about why he feels like quitting movies, as people only make comedies and do not want to support a story set in outer space etc.

Hari
The movie will star Surya and Anushka, but space will no longer be a calm, silent place as it is shown to be in the Gravity movie. Surya will keep roaring and screaming every 5th second and single-handedly destroy the debris and the aliens. The camera will move very quickly across different planets and solar systems. When the villain alien (some foreign actor, with Aruvaals) says, “#%#^@! Indian astronaut, Aliens are kings of the solar system!” Surya will rush to him, beat him to pulp and yell, “DAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT THE INDIAN ASTRONAUT?! THIS IS THE POWER OF THE INDIAN ASTRONAUT! ONLY INDIANS ARE KING OF SOLAR SYSTEM!” and return home. Adding to the noise will be loud songs from DSP.

Prabhudeva The movie will have Vijay and and Trisha, with Vijay doing a moonwalk on the Moon and other dance steps in space, choreographed by Prabhudeva, who will also make a guest appearance. Prakash Raj will star as the leader of the alien gang who threatens to conquer Earth. The story will have Vijay fighting aliens in an astronaut suit made out of all the costumes of his previous films.

Parthiban The movie will be titled and captioned, “VinveLiyan – win w/ alien”. The movie will have Vadivelu accidentally aboard the spaceship Explorer, where Parthiban is an astronaut. Once Vadivelu steps into space, he’ll look stunned. “Aathaadi! Endha edam idhu?!” before he sees Parthiban drifting towards him and hollers, “Vandhuttaanyaaa Vandhuttaanya!” . The scene follows:

Vadivelu: Aamaa, nee inga enna pannikitturke?
Parthiban: Un munnadi ninnukitturken

Vadivelu: Ada, inga eppdi paa vandhe?
Parthiban: Parandhu vandhen

Vadivelu: Aaaaah..engerndhu paa vandhe?
Parthiban: Andha rocket lerndhu.

Vadivelu: Pch! Nee andha rocketukulla eppdi paa vandhe?
Parthiban: Andha rocketula kadhavu irukku illa, andha kadhavukullaala.

Vadivelu: Endha endha endha kadhavu paa?
Parthiban: Yen moonu tharava kekkare?
Vadivelu: Ada vudu pa! Endha kadhavu pa?
Parthiban: Indha vinveLi veerargal ellarum ulla povanga illa, andha kadhavukkullaala.

Vadivelu: Hmm, ivan sariya varamaatane! Andha kadhavu numberum perum sollu!
Parthiban: No.6, Vivekanandar kadhavu, VinveLi Rocketu,

Vadivelu: Ennadhu? Vivekanandar kadhava? Tirupi sollu!
Parthiban: VinveLi Rocketu, Vivekanandar kadhavu, No.6

Vadivelu: Aaah, irundhuttu pottum! Naan vandhu keela irukkara Ka ka ka..Kak
Parthiban: Kakoos pora edam , antha kadhavukkulaala thaane vandhe?
Vadivelu: Ayyoo! Eppdi pa kandupudche? Yaartyum sollidaadha paa!

Somebody from the ship then calls out to Parthiban and says “Captain, ulla vaanga. Kelambarom!”

Vadivelu: Ayya! Neenga thaan indha rocketodu thalaivar aa ayya!?
Parthiban: Aamaa, neenga enga cabinukke vaanga!
Vadivelu: Romba nanringa ayya!

The lady near the rocket door asks Parthiban to swipe his card, which he does. When she asks Vadivelu, he slaps her and says, “Aye! Yaarta pesara? Thalaivare enna ulla koopturkar! Kelambu Kelambu!” and begins to sing “Singggg in the spaiceee, I am swyingggg in the” when he hears the two of them speaking:

Lady: Sir, ivarodu cardu?
Parthiban: Kanda kanda naayitellam card eppdi irukkum?

Vadivelu: AAAAH?!

Parthiban: Naan ivarta modhalaye sonnen card ellam pannikunga sir, nu. Avaru Dubaiku pogumbodhe passport pannaliyaam, indha maadiri rocket la ellam echakala @%@^%#@^ thaan card pannuvaangalaam!

Vadivelu: AAAAAAAH ?!

following which the lady beats him up and he’s thrown out of the rocket.

Perarasu The movie will have Bharath as the hero. In keeping with Perarasu’s tradition of naming his movies after places, this one will be called “ThiruvinveLi.” The soundtrack will have 6 koothu songs written, composed and sung by Perarasu himself. The less said about the movie, the better.