Drinking Quotes

From Benjamin Franklin to Jim Morrison to Ron Burgundy, we have brought you our top 50 favorite drinking quotes of all time. Alcohol always seems to help produce some of the best quotes, so sit back and enjoy these funny drinking quotes by famous people. If you have any of your own favorite drinking quotes that you do not see on our list, please feel free to add them in the comment section below.

“I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~ Frank Sinatra

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~ Ernest Hemingway

“When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun, but when you mix the two you become a dumbass.”
~ That 70’s Show

“Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.”
~ N.F. Simpson

“No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink.”
~ G. K. Chesterton

“I got so wasted one night I waited for the stop sign to change, and it did.”
~ Steve Krabitz

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“All is fair in love and beer.”
~ Kurt Paradis

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handey

“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
~ Ogden Nash

“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”
~ Jimmy Breslin

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
~ Joe E. Lewis

“We drink [to] one another’s health and spoil our own.”
~ Jerome K. Jerome

“If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.”
~ Anonymous

“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”
~ The Simpsons

“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
~ Frantois Rabelais

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
~ Steve Fergosi

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
~ Steven Wright

“Drink what you want; drink what you’re able. If you are drinking with me, you’ll be under the table.”
~ Anonymous

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

“I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.”
~ Oscar Levant

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
~ W.C. Fields

“I drink to make other people interesting.”
~ George Jean Nathan

“Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.”
~ Catherine Zandonella

“Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.”
~ Anonymous

“I find the more I drink, the more interesting others become.”
~ Tom Ralphs

“I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved.”
~ George Gobel

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.”
~ The Simpsons

“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”
~ Lord Byron

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
~ Dean Martin

“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”
~ Jim Morrison

“Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.”
~ Dry

“Maybe talking when I’m piss ass drunk isn’t entirely bright.”
~ Chris McGowan

“I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly . . . ”
~ Anchorman

“If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs.”
~ David Daye

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
~ George Burns

“I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.”
~ Joe E. Lewis

“I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn’t pronounce it.”
~ Anonymous

“Ah that’s just drunk talk, sweet beautiful drunk talk.”
~ The Simpsons

“Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?”
~ The Major and the Minor

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henry Youngman

“Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.”
~ Anonymous

“One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.”
~ James Thurber

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
~ Rodney Dangerfield

“He that drinks fast, pays slow.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

“Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat; it makes you lean… against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”
~ Anonymous

“Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I’m thirsty, not dirty.”
~ Joe E. Lewis

“Responsible drinking? Now that’s an oxymoron.”
~ Aaron Howard

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
~ Frank Sinatra